possibly the worst story ever written!
by serial blogger
Summary: There should be a law against stuff like this! So I have jumped on the My Immortal commentary bandwagon I know, hardly original but originality is overrated! . Want to see what I think of this terrible story? Then step right up and see the worst show on earth! Very bad language from both of us.
1. Chapter 1

I have recently discovered the travesty that is "My Immortal" and I am promptly jumping on the commentary bandwagon! I apologise if you get an aneurism while reading this (believe me I came very close!) but any risks taken are your own. I do not own "My Immortal" (so there is some justice in the world) but if you want to see what I thought of it then read on…

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **Wow! Hilarious, forget lenny henry, Russell howard! You leave them all in the dust.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Why do I get the feeling that this girl's a raging homophobe? Anyone else get that vibe?** raven, bloodytearz666 **She sounds like a nice happy girl.** 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Could I suggest getting a new beta?** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **What!**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **God! And I thought my parents hated me!** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Well thanks for clearing that up for us.** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back **Not only do you need a new beta but your hairdresser doesn't sound like they're up to much** and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **Ok, I'm gone**. I'm not related to Gerard Way **Who? Oh great, I'm still here** but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **Incest much? Seriously does anyone know a way out of here?** I'm a vampire **And there was me thinking you were just a weirdo with no friends **but my teeth are straight **How does that work?** and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **SCOTLAND!** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **And the award for most obvious statement goes too… *****drumroll******* I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **I can't believe **_**you **_**just insulted my intelligence!** and I wear mostly black. **Go figure.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **Well I didn't think you were a topshop girl.** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **Oh that was coco chanel on the phone, she wants to know what you think of the summer collection!** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **Yeah, I've heard the "domestic violence" look is very big this year!** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **You did what? How very dare you!**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **Dun dun dun! **Draco Malfoy! **Oh, bit of an anti-climax, there was me thinking it would be Freddie Kruger.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked. **What's up? hmm where shall I start? He's a megalomaniac with an overzealous enjoyment of pain and a superiority complex!**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Draco? The psycho death eater? Shy?**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Yes she's gone! Now please get me out of here!**

AN: **oh great she's back!** IS it good? **Do you really want me to answer that?** PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. **Oh God there's more!**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **Yes, your input is obvious!** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **No I shan't!**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **What no one's buried you alive yet?** It was snowing and raining again. **I know Hogwarts is unconventional but I would have thought that it follows the same meteorological patterns, i.e. it can't snow and rain at the same time! ** I opened the door of my coffin **you mean the lid?** and drank some blood **psychiatrist's field day!** from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Very gothic!** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **seriously! Can you please call back Coco! Oh god she's texting me now.** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, **where's a super strength magnet when you need one?** and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Is that Forest of Dean green or bramble wood green, you know they're very different colours you should be more specific** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **OMFG? Sorry I think there's been a bit of a mix up, The Only Way is Essex isn't casting until November.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **Well how can you tell under all that foundation.**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said. **so she shouted it, yet he didn't hear? Well either he's got super speed or the hearing of an old aged pensioner.**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Hold on I thought you didn't like him? I'm confused! *****Headdesk***** and there's no such word as "flirtily"**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **You've got her a one way ticket to mexico!**

"Well, Good Charlotte (**Who are these people?)** are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **And then you're getting her a one way ticket to mexico? Or a shotgun to the face? a shotgun would work. Please Draco, please? I don't think I can cope with any more of this grammatically incorrect, infuriating rubbish! **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Was that last bit an internal monologue or did you just forget the speech marks?**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **You think you're shocked!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **And spell check has just gone on strike!**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **Most girls just call them high heels!** Underneath them were ripped **Well get some that aren't ripped! Jeez, why'd you want to go out looking like you can't afford a decent pair of tights** red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **By "stuff" I assume you mean the corset laces, in which case you can only wear a corset with the laces at the back so tell me: why the hell are you wearing two corsets?** I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **Yeah that's less punk rocker more Dennis the Menace.** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **Well it's certainly a direct and to-the-point approach.** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **Maybe from the loss of blood, now I'm not a doctor but I'd probably advice: STOP CUTTING YOURSELF!** I drank some human blood **What's wrong with tea?** so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **As you do.** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! **just put this into Google translate, even the internet has no idea what she's saying!**). **Well I don't know who you've been hanging round with sweetheart but from where I'm sitting he sounds like a first class prat! I used to think he was fit, but now? I won't be able to sleep tonight!**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **So even in crappy fanfictions Draco's still a spoiled little rich kid! Well at least she's managed some sort of consistency!** (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **I've been meaning to ask you, were you high when you wrote this? Because there's no way anyone in any sort of stable state could come up with such drivvle! **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.** This is Joel's cue to hang himself in the dressing room out of embarrassment of being found attractive by such a pleb!**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Oh yeah he fancies the pleb doesn't he?**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Surely if you're moshing you couldn't exactly hold a conversation with someone.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel **to Joel's great relief!** and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **Oh yeah I forgot, you're both on first name terms aren't you!** I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **oi! Enough of the blonde insults Bride of Chuckie! Besides Draco's blonde you stupid girl!**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **The camera then promptly broke!** We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **Well I've never heard it called that before!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! **You sure about that?** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!** It actually took me about ten minutes to work out what that last sentence said. **

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **Was that comma really necessary or was it to add a bit of… suspense?**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Well I sort of guessed that you were angry by the multiple profanities!**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **You're really getting the hang of this whole "stating the obvious" thing **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Shortest domestic ever! Besides he didn't actually finish the question! What was the question? Don't start a sentence if you're not going to finish it!**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Classy!** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **Those are the technical terms by the way!** and we did it for the first time. **Mills and Boon eat your heart out!... hold on, please tell me you were using protection! I can't bear the thought of you two having kids!**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **No shit!** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **Well that's what you get for dogging!**

It was….Dumbledore! **  
Snape, Snape, Severus Snape  
Snape, Snape, Severus Snape  
Dumbledore!  
Oh! It actually was Dumbledore? Oh, ok. Little bit embarrassing.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **Ok I'm a prep!** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **Surely shouting would make it worse then? I've got some aspirin in my bag if you want?** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Then you're not updating!**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris **What the rapper?** fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood **WHAT THE HELL? Girl you need to see a doctor! Like now** down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. **What he was fine with the whole crying-blood thing?** When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **Why would they look angry? They don't know what you've done yet.**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **Well at least she only thinks you're slight dunces.** asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **No one asked you why you did it, they just said how dare you, there was no cue for you to say that. Do you normally just blurt out declarations of love at inconvenient times?**

Everyone was quiet. **What you're not going to thank him for his weird proclamation?** **Awkward!** Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Yeah because that's really appropriate to be sleeping in!** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, **Because nothing says creepy like your boyfriend hanging round the girls toilets!** and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Didn't you say that last chapter?**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end **Am I missing the point when I say: why are you wearing ripped clothes?** and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **Because nothing says depressed Goth like a bowl of children's chocolate wholegrain cereal.** with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **Oh God! Is blood supposed to be red? Ahh, I'm in trouble.** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **That's going to be a nightmare to get out, believe me I know. I assassinated Justin Bieber the other week, took me two days of scrubbing to get the blood stains out. And I used bleach!**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **Sex appeal or what?** He didn't have glasses anymore **Anymore? I thought you'd never met him before?** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **Again** **with the anymore!** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **One thing you have got wrong about English boys is that most of them have taste!** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **He's going to take out a law suit soon if you don't watch it** He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.** The lady doth protest too much, methinks.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **HA!**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

Because it's an ironic nick name, he's actually a human rights protester who loves the environment and never wears black!

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **You people are disgusting!**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **Yeah, but you're such a crap vampire even Edward Cullen would be embarrassed to say you belong to the same species as him!**

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **Yeah, go away! Go away and leave poor Harry alone!**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **From who?** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Well you'll be waiting a while!** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Go on then!** Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **Ok whatever you say!**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)** Yes. Yes it does**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **Oh. The suspense is killing me.**

We started frenching **Frenching? Who still says frenching? Sorry have I travelled back in time to 1994? What the hell?** passively **You mean passionately?** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **I thought you'd already taken off your clothes?** Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **Yes it's very stupid!**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **So you've had sex with him twice yet you didn't notice the tattoo on his arm?** It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **O.M.G! really?**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **Right all joking aside, I would just like to make it clear that I do not in any way condone ignorant, homophobic views and I think that this is disgusting. Anyone who believes imprudent stereotypes and misconceptions such as this deserves everything they get.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **Ooh someone's throwing a hissy fit!** Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Ok…** He had a really big you-know-what **So you're fine with swearing your mouth off, but when it comes to sex you get prudish. How does that work?** but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **Well this is gripping!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep! **Can someone at least explain to me (I'm not exactly up to speed with American slang) what the hell is a prep? She keeps using it so much and it's just ridiculous that I don't know what it means. Could someone put it in a review or something, it's annoying me. Thanks!**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **catchy name** smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **How can you tell how pale she is if she's wearing loads of makeup?** Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **Well this is uplifting!** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **What was the use of changing her name, how does that benefit the story?** (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **so snape is fine with a naked boy running into his classroom? No reaction at all? Ok!**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **Why has it suddenly switched POV, she's never done that before?** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony **Yeah I did sort of guess**) for a while but then he broke my heart. **Aw diddums!** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep. **Ha perish the thought!**)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **that doesn't mean what you think it does** to Draco and then I started to bust **BURST! It's burst!** into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **You'd never guess!** dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **Of course not, it's not like you control the story or anything!** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX! **No they don't.**

I was so mad **news flash! Of course you're mad!** and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie** yeah I could have worked that out myself!**) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **Well how was it obvious?** It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **As a tabby cat clawed his face off!** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **must thou? I think we've suddenly fallen into a time warp and gone back to the Shakespearean era, don't touch anything it could completely disrupt the space time continuum!**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **I know he is sooo gorge!** and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **A gun? What the hell? This is Harry Potter, not the Matrix!** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **I think I've worked out how to get us back to modern times, we need exactly thirty seconds of utter bullshit! So just keep reading. It is of paramount importance that you carry on reading. I know… but there's no other way, I'm sorry.**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded **Well I'm glad someone finally pointed it out!** look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." **That's moving things with your mind, how does that explain how he managed to know about Draco?** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

**Aaand we're back, oh great we're still stuck with her. Look I'll try and get us out but even I can't work miracles.**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. **What a surprise!** He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit **No.**) **So he's dressed now is he?** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed **Are any of these people ever happy? Seriously crack open the Prozac!** and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **sounds like you don't know what's going on in your own story. Oh! That's right, you don't!** n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **so they moved house because they were evil? What was there too much magnolia in their current house? They wanted something a little more goffic?**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **I'm sure he's more scared of you than you are of him** I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **Catchy!** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **So are you available for weddings and bah-mitzvahs?** People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak **what like a beef steak or is pork better? Oh! You mean a stake!**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **The corpse bride is a PG, hardly the exorcist is it?** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **The thought never crossed my mind!**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Well I'm sure I would as well after hearing your singing!**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" **well clearly not! Jeez!** B'loody Mary asked in a concerted **that doesn't mean what you think it does** voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **Ok! ok! calm down!** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **That clause could probably have done with a break or two.**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **No one will ever know how much those eight words made me laugh! Just the idea of Draco… oh god! This is killing me! Genuinely so funny!**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **yes it is, when did draco ever call anyone a "fucking poser muggle bitch"? I don't remember that being in the films.**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **So there was a lot of crying and running.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **Oh it's got better has it?**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y **yeah just get on with it!**) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **Dun dun dun!**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **I can guarantee it will be.** it delz wit rly sris issus! **What like dodgy dress sense and self-inflicted depression?** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! **Understandably** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **well that's not very nice** and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **Obviously!**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **seriously? Please get that checked out it starting to get a little bit creepy** and then I slit both of my wrists. **Well that's not going to help is it?** They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **Don't do that, we're in a recession meats expensive these days!** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **Why are you so concerned about your clothes after your boyfriend just killed himself** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating **He was what?** to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **But you have clothes on at this point.** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel **What over your clothes?** with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **I never thought one word could bring so much laughter, this killed me! You're too funny!** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

**Well suddenly what?** Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **This story has no plot!**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **hoorah! Let's hold it against her as blackmail! If she doesn't get us out of here now we'll leak it onto YouTube!**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **Oh god! Sweetheart, you must be deficient. I mean in brain cells!**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **Please tell me you meant to type cloak!**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **Satan? Who involved him? Typical Satan, always turns up when you don't need him!**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **Oh someone else loves her, what a surprise! *****Cough***** Mary Sue *****cough cough*******


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo **what is the logic behind that?** 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **Well ishu adresd, shall we get on** how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **did I black out for half that paragraph, it made no sense!**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago **can't even spell his name right!** had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **Yeah! Why respect the dying wish of your lover?**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. **Where'd he come from?** He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **You mean pink?**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **So what was the point in changing the shape if you're just going to cover it in foundation?** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **ooh Voldemort's getting kinky!**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **where?** after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **Yeah, but you can have them in a school where there all mingers. **Dumbledore had constipated **try drinking some more water** the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **What and being mean to him is the best way to adres da ishu? Not v. mature is it?**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **Yeah I think we get it, you don't like pink.**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **yes it is.** to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)** enough with the internal A/Ns!** imo noto okayo!" **no you're not okay, you're far from okay. In fact you're probably mentally ill!**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **You already pointed that out. **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **What you knew he wasn't a prep after some cheap pyrotechnics? God you're easily impressed!**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **I thought we established he was getting sexy with Voldemort?**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, **was he there the whole time?** watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **yes, it's just not funny!** u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache **HA, that was the first genuinely funny thing you've written so far! Congrats!** or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, **learn English before you start learning other languages!** girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit)**oh my god! That joke is so old!** you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists **you've just recovered fom slitting your wrists, surely that's a pretty stupid thing to do?** feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **What in the class? No one commented, that wasn't weird?**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Seriously, the teachers at Hogwarts need to learn a thing or two about classroom discipline! And you need to learn about standards!**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. **You weren't saying that when he was trying to fuck you!** You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up!

You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer. **Haven't we done this bit?**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **Yep. Definite repetition.** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **I probably would have feigned a gasp if I hadn't seen that bit before.**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **The more you say that the more we're going to take the piss!**

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" T**hese insults are getting more inventive as each chapter goes on!** he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. **Ooh touchy!** Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. **Sounds like dumblydore is jealous! Maybe he wanted you all to himself so you could have weird goffic sex.** "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **Yeah newsflash: honey they aint interested in you!**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. **Do you all have some kind of highly contagious eye disease thing? It's starting to gross me out big time!** Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. **You clearly couldn't be arsed to spend five whole minutes thinking up some words to use as a spell.** Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **Wow! Well that was an unexpected plot device, never saw that one coming!**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" **what? The dark lord has suddenly become a children's magician?**

It was….. Voldemort! **No shit Sherlock! You're in his lair, who else is it going to be peter andre?**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **As I said before! You're not updating then!**

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER **there are no viewers, this is a story not a film.** EXCRETION ADVISD. **And what could possibly be more scary than the way you completely desecrate the English language? Seriously I could sit through the exorcist no problem after seeing some of her plotlines!**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail **who? Oh you mean wormtail?** was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey **AH!** **That's one of my readers! Ha shout out time! Look you appeared in a parody of a shitty fanfic! You must be so proud!** look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" **Well that was abrupt!** asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? **So if he hadn't of tortured your bf would you fuck him?** God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." **But would you?** I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. **Well that was a bit harsh. You could have just sucked him off.** Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" **he's dying! Jeez, can't anyone just bleed to death in peace, people are just so impatient.** called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! **He what? What in front of you? Oh! That's not right!** We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Oh! You meant he walked over to you! Will you please make it clearer, stop with the accidental sex references!** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **Hold on where's Draco?**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco **Oh there he is!** taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **I'm not even going to dignify that with a response!** and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. **No one mentioned preps! ** They are such fucking sluts." **What have you fucked one of them? No? Then shut up!** answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **See this is why everyone calls you a Mary Sue!** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! **He wouldn't want to be with an ugly person. Would you?** Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing **I never said snob. I said whore.** but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.

**Now I've been taking the piss but seriously this is a bib problem. There are children in war torn countries crying, not because they have no food or because their parents died in a roadside bomb. But because they feel Ebony's pain! I have started up a charity especially for girls like Ebony, girls who can't walk down the street without being wolf whistled, girls who can't help but attract both sexes, girls who just want a normal life away from the pressures of their superior intelligence and astounding good looks. This is a serious problem affecting society today so please donate whatever you can to . /whoresunitedagainstpreps**

**Thank you.**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15.

Hey guys, I'm back! AN: stup flaming ok! And so is Enoby by the looks of it. Great! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! Bit extreme, why not just write a diary or take up kickboxing or something. fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! Oh yeah, I forgot that would require you to be normal!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **She's got you whipped mate**

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. **This girl has issues, is anyone else sensing that vibe?** I drank the blood all I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **Yeah because after I sever a major artery I think nothing of going back to school and learning about osmosis.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **I'm guessing you weren't invited to London Fashion Week this year?** Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. **Advanced? You do advanced Biology? LIKE FU-** I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **What's that got to do with the human body?** Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **Should've gone to Specsavers!** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now **you just want to commit suicide **_**some**_** of the time** I just wanna fucking be with you. **Oh.** I fucking love you!." **God! The swearing! They're almost as bad as me.** Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) **you do not know how much I want to leave really I do but I'm afraid you're stuck with me**.

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. **What, you said OMFG? The actual letters? Not Oh My Fucking God? The actual letters? Jesus!** Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch)**yeah we realise** and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether **yeah because that's what anyone does when they think something looks sexy, they clap!**. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **Proov 2 me ur literate!** raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet r supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **Ooh crack out the popcorn.** BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!** Japanese? Babe you can barely speak English.**

We ran happily to Hogsmede. **You? Happy? Like fuck!** There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. **Yeah, we've already established that** MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! **I swear, she's bipolar or something** Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **Whoa! So it's not an open relationship, but he can get a hard on over some random guy? I hear Jeremy Kyle calling.** I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **bit late now isn't it?**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.** I can't stop laughing! God, you're killing me! You don't know many blokes do you?**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **An escort? Since when could a student afford an escort? Oh he means to make sure they get there alright! Yeah, I umm… right. Well I have always said my mind is in the gutter!**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" **ha, you're pathetic. I was mainstream before it was mainstream, I'm that cool.** I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"**OMG he is such a prep!" I bellowed quietly**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **Why is everyone singing? It's like fucking Les Miserables in here!**

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **God this girl's easily impressed, show her a roll of cling film it'll probably blow her mind!**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **Get in there Malfoy!**

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese) **I smell Bull Shit**. "BTW Willow that fucking poser got failed al her klasses and she skepped math."(an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **oooh how do you feel Raven?! Slagged off in a mediocre fanfic written by a sociopath with no dress sense**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her **as you do!** and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **Your school is FUCKED. UP.**

"Kawai." I commnted happily. **So you're fine with her having murdered a girl and let a pervert have sex with her corpse?!** We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." **Well, the designer who makes a dress that makes you look hot will be either imaginary or a miracle worker!**

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. **I thought she bore a resemblance to the girl from The Exorcist, clearly I was right,** I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!) **I didn't say it, you wrote it!** Or me.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **shut up** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **As opposed to what? Goths who can spell properly and don't look like they've been dragged behind a truck?!**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **Why does a sales assistant know so much about them? Is he fucking them as well?**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!"I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **You do realise they're paid to say that you look good in something in order to sell the clothes? In reality you probably look like you've been covered in superglue and shoved through a Charity Shop.**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. **I geuss this shop doesn't really make much money does it?** Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv" **he was asking if you were going not if you'd suck his cock! Calm the fuck down, not everyone is attracted to you!** I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, **what you actually mean is: "but before he could beg me to get out of his shop and stop being such a freak!"** Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"


	17. Chapter 17

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! **Fuck that! I'm actually getting reviewed for once; I'm not giving that up.** if ur a prep den dnot red it! **I wish it was that easy** u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **Is there also a quiz for whether you're a supercilious arsehole or not? **if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **Even though you were really rude to him? Doormat!** He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **And that bears any relevance how?** argird kept shooting at us to cum **please watch how you spell that word!** back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. **What dead Willow? The one who was murdered by the Bride of Chuckie?** Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **Yeah because the Dominatrix look is really in!** She had a really nice body wif big bobs and was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **How can she have big boobs and be that skinny? Oh! I'm guessing someone's taken a trip down Silicone Alley!**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexyand u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **See what I mean? Arrogant prick!** Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. **You say he looks like Marilyn Manson, the image that I'm getting is the "I had my makeup put on with a shotgun!" look** Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel **his parents were cruel!** but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. **What were the air bags made of sharpened pieces of Oak, last time I checked Vampires couldn't die in a car crash. Although I do wish it was that easy to kill one, we wouldn't have had to endure Twilight for quite as long.** Navel converted to Satanism **oh she's still talking** and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. **You've already mentioned that** Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **say: (geddit cos I'm goffik) one more time I'm going to hit you round the head with a shovel!** that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. **Ooh! We got a badass here!** Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed. **Was that ellipses really necessary? **

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. **Anyone getting a sense of déjà vu?** So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **OMG! The Death Deelers? What were they dealing? **

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. hou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **Yay! Finally an end to this shit story! **

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. **You've got a meglomanic psychopath wizard standing in front of you and you're really concerned with what people are wearing?** He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **Dumblydore can I just take this opportunity to say WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! Just let him kill them and be done with it!**


	18. Chapter 18

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! **We've already established that fact, you say it at the start of every chapter!** fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! **Well that was the shortest fight in history!** n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **Yh guys he trin 2 be gofik!**

I woke up the next day in my coffin. **I'm going to nail the fucking lid down soon!** I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **And she's finished, on with the story then. Not like you could call it a story!**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **Ebony is suddenly and violently attacked from behind by a masked woman brandishing a shovel, she repeatedly hits her round the head. Well I did warn you.** Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. **This bitch won't die!** We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what(SEX!) to a Linkin Park song.) **and Draco only lasted until the first chorus!**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **And we're back to 2001! Wait does that mean that the whole "grunge" look is back in? well I am not wearing ripped denim and tie dye thank you very much!**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. **If someone designed an outfit based on what a train wreck looks like that would be it!** Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. **Really? In the middle of the hall? In front of everyone? Keep that for the bedroom please!** We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **You've already mentioned that.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **What, you don't even know who your own headmaster is?** e had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation **so how did you know the colour of his skin?** and he had died his hare black.

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. ell we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. **Me niether! Neva mind babes, we goffs stick togeva rite?**

"BTW you can call me Albert." **?** HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **Robots in disguise! Oh you mean Transfiguration?** We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. **What's with all these really short sentences?** I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **have you not learned from last time? I still have the shovel you know.** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.

I was so fucking angry. **You say that as if it's news!**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise we know you're not okay, you're fucking insane!

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 **well someone's a bit touchy!** frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. **Hasn't that already happened? you know with the Death Dealers and all that?** It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **There is no plot line to this story!**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **He burst into tears just because you asked him what's wrong? Sweetheart that's not sensitivity that's Bipolar!**

"No one fucking understands me!1" **being a death eater may make it harder to make friends** he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. **Do you just have an encyclopaedic knowledge of hairstyles from music videos?** He was wearing black baggy paints a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **Oh fuck off** I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) **the only reason I would email is would be to warn you of the nuclear warhead travelling towards your house!**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **He's clearly upset and you're being a selfish bitch!**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **What does it look like? I have no idea what's happening.**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). **stop making stupid fucking references to random music videos!** I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **Ooh! Looks like we've got a badass here!**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

"You gave me a fucking shock!"I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?" **he actually sneaked into the girl's bathroom, risking the chance of being labelled a kiddy fiddler in order to ask what you were wearing to a concert? Really?**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. **Well clearly!**

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **oh, they're going to fuck again aren't they? Oh god. Will someone please get me out of here? Please!**


End file.
